Why do some wives hate our trains?

Interesting subject. I know that in my case I have this great hobby that I really enjoy and she has NO hobbies. I think she is a bit jealous but she says no. The funny part is that the trains are brought up on occasions when there is a new purchase and it always comes down to the fact that when she makes a purchase I never say anything and she agrees. Hate them maybe or maybe not. But I will keep going with the trains because honestly they were with me when I met her. Then again in 1987 she bought me a new locomotive and told me to build a layout and the rest is history.

I don’t think they realize what they’ve let out of the barn when they tell us to get a hobby!😳😳😳😳

I don’t think it’s necessarily the trains. Some people, husband or wife, just don’t like seeing the other happy or enjoying themselves unless it’s all about them or what they like.

My wife has always liked our trains and attending train shows. She was responsible for purchasing the most expensive set I own. She expects there to be trains under tree as much as I do. She maintains my computerized train inventory data base. When we have events at our home most of the other wives also seem to like the trains, of course it is not their husband that owns them.

When the decision was made to have a custom layout professionally built my wife was a participant in that decision. She carefully reviewed all the invoices and paid all the bills. She also made a trip to Miami to visit the shop during construction. I consider myself fortunate that my wife accepts and appreciates my toy train hobby.

Well maybe I will jump in on this. Like I said in the other thread my wife will burn all my trains when I die and I am sure that will probably happen ,but this is because I put a lot of time and hard earned money into my hobby . And for her that’s nuts and trains are for kids in her mind. That’s not her fault though it’s the way she was brought up in a house hold of hard working mom and dad with no hobbies and working every waking hour of their lives. So when she sees me and the way I grew up with a grandfather and father and uncle all with train layouts she sees this as lazy and a waste of time. She doesn’t come down on me about it to hard but there are time that there could be a comment that I could be doing something else around the house because as we all know your house always has something to be done grass cut, painting ext. . So I will say this I do what I want but at the same time a happy wife happy life.

My wife isn't into the hobby but she supports me in it and enjoys socializing with my friends who enjoy the hobby.

- Greg

When we drool over a GG1, etc and not them. There is your answer.😄

After a couple years of marriage, my wife told me to get a hobby.  I think I went with trains because they reminded me of home and my youth.  My wife sews.   She is on her 3rd embroidery machine.   Over the years, I’m sure she’s dropped well over 20k on the machines alone.  They have minimal value after a couple years.  She knows I’m tight.  Therefore I don’t, and won’t, have a lot invested.   I build a layout, work on it a year or do, destroy it, sell everything, and do something else.   So nothing I do is permanent.  I recently sold off  almost all my o gauge and bought a little ho.  As time goes on, I have less and less money tied up in trains.  It doesn’t mean I’m not having fun.

Wow, I know you are serious about this thread but I can’t imagine any wife telling her husband that they hate what brings so much enjoyment to them. I would say they have a marriage loaded with deep problems that need to be addressed.

@romiller49 posted:

Wow, I know you are serious about this thread but I can’t imagine any wife telling her husband that they hate what brings so much enjoyment to them. I would say they have a marriage loaded with deep problems that need to be addressed.

My thoughts exactly.

Not been my experience,

I don’t know about that I have been married 26 years and those years have been great. Sure every relationship has ups and downs but as for the trains she doesn’t have to like my hobbies she just has to put up with them.

@chinatrain99 posted:

I recently sold off  almost all my o gauge and bought a little ho.

I can't believe you actually admitted as much publically.  The Feds should soon be breaking down your door.  Shame on you! Women are people too!

-Greg

My spouse was pretty supportive of my hobby. I have met more than a few who were not . Most of these meetings were after the husband had passed and the spouse, children or both were coming into the shop to sell the collection. I don’t some people realize how much they neglect their family while pursuing this hobby and the strong negative feelings that causes

My Darling Wife drug me into the hobby by insisting we have a train around the Christmas tree.  I never had that as a kid.

Then when we had Kids, she told me to go to Allentown with her brother and buy trains for the kids and build them a layout.

It's been a fun time.

We used to have a local hobby shop in town.  Good ole Mr. Wagner made sure every spouse got a big giant chocolate bar for Christmas.

He used to say, your husband is not out at the bar with the guys and not chasing other women.  He's in the basement playing trains.

I'm blessed and hope others with spouces not as supportive can improve their situations.

Have Fun.

Ron

i'm still single and looking so i don't have this issue yet with a wife or gf.

but i want to know why my PARENTS hate my trains

yes my trains are a special interest along with NERF guns and Shailene Woodley and my parents hate trains and i was never allowed access at home.

Then i had a teacher who knew about autism and said taking away my trains and Nerf stuff was wrong and inhumane

she and another teacher tried to help me build a small HO layout in her room until my dad found out and told the principal to shut down all my train access

than my parents called me a baby because i had a train at school

and yet my dad was a nascar fan and spider man fan had spiderman decals all over his truck and my stepmom has a cabnet full of Santa dolls

and my whole family was against my special interests and i was like the black sheep of the family

i still have trauma from when my dad destroyed a 1500 dollar locomotive i got for christmas in 2007 from a friend

i'm always afraid its gonna happen again

My wife is very supportive of my interest in trains. Convinced me to do a "hand on the throttle" at Essex CT, goes with me to Strasburg, on the Silver Star to vist my relatives in FL and even enjoys helping at the table at swapmeets.

I think its part of a strong caring relationship we have--she's a treasure.

I think you can substitute golf, hunting, fishing, travel, etc for "trains" in this thread.  The aspects of a marriage relationship are a little more complicated than liking or disliking a hobby.

My wife is not into trains, but she helped me load, setup and sell at train and computer shows for years. 

Try to enjoy what you have while you are on the earth.

If your wife likes your trains or is at least neutral you are a very lucky person.  The entire four years my EX and I were dating she at least pretended that she liked the trains. She went to TCA meets with me and one of my train buddies and his wife. We would usually go to Atlanta meets at least a day before the meet and go out on the town.  Within a year of our marriage she refused to go to train meets with my long time friends Bill and his wife Agnes.  Bill and I never made our TCA trips only about trains we always went shopping with the girls and mostly let the girls set the agenda outside the train show.  I eventually stopped going to TCA meets though I still played with the trains with our daughter who to the chagrin of my wife loved the trains.  In November of 84 I traded some guns for a large American Flyer collection. I was unloading my third load when the wife came to the deck on the rear of the house and said.  Either the trains go or I go. We split up in Jan of 85.  In hind sight I think she felt I should be spending the train money on her or our home though the trains never took money out of our budget they in fact made a little money.            j

It all comes down to respect. Some marriages are more like odd video games where the couple acts as if no one else is real. At most, they’re non-playing characters who are supposed to do as they’re told and nothing more.

By the way, I’m glad the guys got me up to see W&W#4 before I got sick, and neither of them complained about my T-shirt buying. They don’t complain when I get excited about an amazing craft score, either. Soon as I’m well enough I’m looking forward to train time at Morgan Station again.

(Should clarify, my allergies finally got me with a round of pneumonia. Glad it wasn’t worse.)

My wife doesn’t hate my trains, but she isn’t overly interested in them, either. So she wouldn’t have to hang out in the basement with me, she bought a woman to keep me company while I run trains.

It is unlikely that the trains themselves are the issue.

My wife bought me a Lionel starter set in the early 80s and that’s what set the wheels in motion.  A few times she has said she regrets buying that set, but in truth, she is mostly indifferent.  However, she loves to see the joy on youngsters faces when they visit the layout.  Once or twice, she complained that I spend too much money on trains, but then I reminded her how much she spends on her hair and she hasn’t complained since.

The owner of an LHS that I used to frequent told me a story about a wife that put a large HO collection on the trash shortly after her husband died.  She was bitter that he paid more attention to the trains than he did to her.

Wife has a grudging acceptance and makes occasional snide financial comments

But since I started running the trains she loves the way Grandchildren and other kids take to the layout

Generally, she is what I would call "neutral" on trains. She knows it's an important hobby for me and makes the occasional crack about "another package arriving." But all in fun.

I will say this...years ago I had mentioned the classic trains for Christmas of my youth and lo and behold she bought a Lionel Set that set me on the O gauge path. It was the Texas & Pacific Railsounds Passenger Set. Came with a CW-80 and track. I still have it.

My wife of 43 years supports my train hobby, but does not actively participate.  We do a lot together (leaving soon for a 8-10 mile kayak together, spent last week camping/ hiking), and when I am working on the layout she enjoys reading. She did learn early on not to buy me train items since I am picky about what I want.

Life is good.

My wife much prefers me playing in the basement with my trains to me playing in a bar somewhere with things I shouldn't be playing with (like darts).  She also loves going to York with me as she is a people person and loves the interaction with the other sellers and attendees.  Of course, she keeps telling me that I can't croak and leave her with the trains but I tell her that's what the kids are for!

What's a "wife"?

My wife got me back into the hobby in 1994, when she bought me a beaten up Lionel steamer. So, I often remind her it is all her fault!

For several years, she also was my assistant at train shows. Luckily, she collects things too, like stuffed animals (there is a one on our table).

Tom

@Scrambler81 posted:

My wife doesn’t hate my trains, but she isn’t overly interested in them, either. So she wouldn’t have to hang out in the basement with me, she bought a woman to keep me company while I run trains.

Trains? What trains? Where?

Some people just make bad decisions....

My wife is very supportive of my hobby and me of hers, she is a master crocheter. When we go to the Big E Train show I drive 15 miles north to Webs (her crafts version of a huge LHS), drop her off. Go back to Springfield walk the floor for about 3 hours go back and she still needs half an hour .

I got married in my early 40s. I married my best friend and that hasn't changed , 26 years and counting .

With two ex-wives I am qualified to provide an answer to this question:

Answer: Because we're spending money, time, and energy on something other than her, home, and other necessities.

Solution: Buy her something nice, take her out, do home fix-up, etc.

@Ray Lombardo posted:

It is unlikely that the trains themselves are the issue.

This ^^^^ - if other things aren't working in the relationship, trains won't make it any better.

My ex-wife didn't have a problem with the trains, the time I spent on them, or the expense (which was always discussed in advance).  What soured her on the hobby was the behavior of several other folks involved with it.  A former major dealer in my area was very arrogant, which rubbed her the wrong way - she didn't shed any tears when his warehouse burned.  The biggest single event was being rudely yelled at on our first visit to York because we ran in out of a heavy rain without our badges being displayed properly.  After that, she referred to people in the hobby as "train a--holes".  Can't say that I blamed her.

My significant other loves trains and enjoys going to meets - she's an enabler.

If there's a takeaway from this, I think it's that we should all treat our fellow train folks' significant others with respect and include our wives in our decisions and interactions.

@JohnActon posted:

If your wife likes your trains or is at least neutral you are a very lucky person.  ...

In November of 84 I traded some guns for a large American Flyer collection. I was unloading my third load when the wife came to the deck on the rear of the house and said.  Either the trains go or I go. We split up in Jan of 85.  In hind sight I think she felt I should be spending the train money on her or our home though the trains never took money out of our budget they in fact made a little money.            j

Reminds me of the t-shirt / bumper sticker:  "I got a train for my wife.  Best trade I ever made."

I think based on personal observation that this is overblown. For one thing, wives tend to like to have things to roll their eyes at when it comes to spouses, you know, like leaving the toilet seat up, or rolling their eyes at obsession with sports teams, etc, they never really outgrow I think when as young girls and they get irritated at boys for doing something and say "Boys!" *lol*. They need things to complain about when talking to friends.

My wife encourages me, I am the reluctant one, I have a hard time spending money on myself while having no problem spending on others (the money I spent on my son's music education would have allowed me to buy a nice house built around a layout, and told Mike Regan and TRWX to build one heck of a layout and still have money to burn) and I am the same way with my wife (okay, at York I told people my wife encouraged me to go and find stuff I liked, but then she didn't go knowing I hate spending money on myself.....*lol*..hey, husbands play the game, too). She thinks it is great I love trains and she does like watching them.

I think given the cost of this stuff that in some cases they might resent it if money is spent on the trains and there are other things they feel need to be done, that boils down to communication and negotiation, but that is true of anything, had a guy I worked with back in the 90's lay down 40k in cash to buy a Corvette, when they had kids about ready to enter college and other things, wondered why the wife was angry at him....some, too, if they are as obsessive as some of the people I have seen at train shows, at York and on forums, might be resentful that they are spending too much time on trains, it is a hobby after all , a diversion (on the other hand, could be the person spends all their time on the trains to get away....).

Where I have seen it generally is where the spouse looks at it as a grown person 'playing with trains', that it is a waste of time and money, and more importantly, in their mind, 'what will other people think' kind of thing. The same spouse that would resent a husband 'playing with trains' wouldn't bat an eye if he belonged to a country club and played golf all the time (one thing my wife and I see eye to eye on, neither one of us understands golf or country clubs, but that is just us), they wouldn't object is hubby had season tickets to the local football team or went hunting or fishing with buds or played poker, because those are 'socially acceptable' for men to do, there is still a lot of those kind of attitudes out there, it isn't just women who get bound in stereotypes.

They are afraid of the hubby being seen as odd, or as being anti social (ok, that stereotype does have grains of truth to it, some of the people I see at train shows , well.....on the other hand, if they met Gun Runner John as I was lucky to at First Frost, blow the stereotype right out the water! *lol*) or are 'being childish'. Some may have grown up around a culture, religious or otherwise, that frowned on that kind of 'frivolous recreation', that once you 'grew up', that was that for fun and games.

IME most wives are okay or supportive of the hobby, maybe even into it themselves, as long as it is in balance with budget and with living a balanced life, met very few who were negative. I suspect that attitude was more common a long time ago, when my mom and dad were first married (1952), that first Christmas after finding out my dad never had trains as a kid she got her brother , who was buying trains for my cousin at the time (who was like 8 months old that Christmas!), to duplicate the order for my dad. He worked at Bell Labs in NYC at the time, and the other people he worked with not only thought that was a brilliant gift they were jealous bc it would cause them problems.

I truly lucked out. Not only do I have a beautiful wife who tolerates the trains, but she also loves that I have a real passion for something, and she embraces that. She is NOT a train lady, but she enjoys history as much as I do and can appreciate it from that perspective. The photo below was this past weekend at the NJ Hi-Railers...

Mat

Hey Paul I like you answer/observation 👍🏼🤣

We have an envelope on the desk at home that’s marked “Hair and Nails” - I keep it filled with $100 bills - everyone’s happy 😊🚂

Hey Mat - Congratulations 👏👍🏼

I've had trains my whole life. My wife knew that when we got married. So, when our grandson was born six years ago, I started building a layout for him (and the two more grandkids that followed). It really pulled the kids into the hobby. And, my wife absolutely adores the grandkids, so it makes for a good time in the basement with the trains. I have great pics and videos of my wife and the grandkids running the trains together. The key is to finding ways to involve the family. I guess I'm lucky. But, let's put it in perspective. My other hobby is vintage car racing which costs way more than trains. She doesn't complain about either but probably wishes I would give up the racing. At age 66 now, I'll likely retire from the racing before too long.

"and yet my dad was a nascar fan and spider man fan had spiderman decals all over his truck and my stepmom has a cabnet full of Santa dolls"

We do not get to choose our parents. Hopefully someday when they are no longer being abusive or you are completely independent, you can find some compassion for them.  They sound like folks who are lacking in both insight and kindness, perhaps because they themselves were badly treated as children.  It is a sad fact that many people have to seek outside their immediate family for kindness and understanding.  May you find these benefits in others. 

@paigetrain posted:

i'm still single and looking so i don't have this issue yet with a wife or gf.

but i want to know why my PARENTS hate my trains

yes my trains are a special interest along with NERF guns and Shailene Woodley and my parents hate trains and i was never allowed access at home.

Then i had a teacher who knew about autism and said taking away my trains and Nerf stuff was wrong and inhumane

she and another teacher tried to help me build a small HO layout in her room until my dad found out and told the principal to shut down all my train access

than my parents called me a baby because i had a train at school

and yet my dad was a nascar fan and spider man fan had spiderman decals all over his truck and my stepmom has a cabnet full of Santa dolls

and my whole family was against my special interests and i was like the black sheep of the family

i still have trauma from when my dad destroyed a 1500 dollar locomotive i got for christmas in 2007 from a friend

i'm always afraid its gonna happen again

Hey Cody,  Maybe consider checking around for a local train club or round robin group of fellow train enthusiasts.

In what part of the country do you live?

There is little chance that self centered or abusive people would change.

@dorfj2 posted:

Hey Mat - Congratulations 👏👍🏼

Thank you!!! We're over the moon excited!

@Greg Houser posted:

I can't believe you actually admitted as much publically.  The Feds should soon be breaking down your door.  Shame on you! Women are people too!

-Greg

Good one!  Whatever makes me happy and keeps me quiet I suppose.  I  haven’t went to a train show in several years but I do go with her to fabric stores.  I play with trains in the basement and she will sew.  Whether a wife likes or dislikes a hobby, the thought of that kind of rage makes me think either you’re spending more than you can afford, money or time, or you need to run.

My wife is supportive of my hobby, but sometimes get frustrated with how much space storing my collection of scale O trains takes.  We are between permanent houses and one of the items for the next one is space for a permanent layout and storage of the trains.  Since all relationships take two, her interest in a pool and associated pool room is also a requirement for our next home.  Give and take.

On a positive note, she really liked the standard gauge train I ran around the Christmas tree last year and I have the greenlight to do so again this year.  I even got permission to purchase a locomotive for my small standard gauge collection as I had to borrow one from a friend last year.

How does this topic help the hobby?  The title alone is negative and some of the responses here ... well, what can I say.  I am especially concerned about the post by "paigetrain".  Very sad indeed.  We should be concentrating on how to find ways to involve our friends and family.  Yet, I am willing to bet that this thread will receive tons of responses while others will be mostly ignored.  

I was so richly blessed!!! My wife (d. 2016) had so many admirable gifts, yet she had little interest in anything related to transport, least of all, model trains. Appreciating how much I enjoyed trains, she had tolerated my 15 by 11 foot permanent layout (pictured here) since 1989 in her “family room” which is our actual “living” room. Our equally sized living room still functions as a mini concert hall. It contains a  7 foot Grand Piano and a real Pipe Organ with its pipe chamber on the second floor.

Sadly, I must agree that this question unfortunately exists in too many marital relationships.  I suppose it's just another example of human INtolerance that permeates entire societies...such as ours?

Been lingering for years, too.  The following was clipped from a 50 year old magazine...

Although this sort of animosity towards the hobby was unfortunately part of my first marriage...24 years, 364 days...I'm happy to say that I have been blessed with a WHOLLY supportive spouse now for the past 24 years.

In fact, as I've related several times on this forum, she was 'hooked' (I was already smitten!) on our first date when, in sharing each others' interests I cautiously mentioned (she says "mumbled") about the trains.  Her eyes grew wide and the remainder of the date was mostly about...trains!  Talk about epiphanies!!!  As if in confirmation, she was a door prize winner (Lionel Winter Wonderland set) at our first York meet about 20 years ago.  And she's out-spent me several times at several shows/meets since then.  In fact, it's really fun to step aside and observe a seller in discussion with her regarding a fair selling price...and the specific minutiae...for an item!

It has been quite an experience, a WONDERFUL experience, having a wife in full support/participation in the hobby.  I highly recommend it.  It has been and continues to be, indeed, a special blessing among many through the so-called golden years!!

When my wife told me that I wanted to move from our former home the only request I had was for a ranch home with a full basement.  Her  requests are few and very reasonable, so we moved.

When real estate people would call with an available  home she simply asked if it was a ranch with a full dry basement and outside entrance.  Otherwise she hung up.

During the years in which I did shows for bench work sales she went to most of the shows for support.  Never once did she object to purchases.

When her friends see our basement and ask where is her space downstairs she simply says all is well & politely reminds them to mind their own business.

Yes, I know how good I have it, this is not my first rodeo.

My wide also supports my addiction, uuh... I mean hobby.. yea, that's it....Her late father used to put model cars together, her one male cousin had a train in his youth and is still into watching trains. When we first starting dating, I bought her over my place and showed her my collection and ran several trains for her. She was impressed to say the least. For her it is always better trains than alcohol and I've made that my life's mission. You can't get into too much trouble visiting the hobby shop, or can you? I even starting collecting the real stuff, meaning lanterns, crossing bells, and even signal heads. She didn't even freak out when I purchased this large Safetran three aspect signal head from a junk dealer. Yep a nice wife she is.

I will have to respectfully disagree with Alan Arnold.  I believe that a topic like this does help the hobby because we’re a family.  A family that shares the happy and the sad and supports each other in either case.  Though I do agree that the title is quite negative  

My wife supports my hobby and has surprised me with rolling stock and other gifts for the layout. Though she hasn’t attended any local train shows she enjoys traveling to attend large scale garden railroad conventions around the US in order to go on the layout tours.  

John

My spouse of 50 years, Kay, has been very supportive of my interest in all trains, both model and real, and has attended many train meets and shows, and ridden many steam excursions with me. She knows many of my local train friends, and has financially supported all my many ventures including gauge one live steam over many decades. We even purchased a train depot in Western North Carolina, Bear Creek Junction, which is located on the old right of way of the former Graham County RR. We lived there part time from 1997 until about 2018.

I think a strong community is built by shared position and negative experiences @CA John. The title is a heavy hitter but we have had both sides shared in this thread and I think the discussion has been civil and constructive. Somebody even admitted to converting to HO from O I do feel for some of the people in the responses I read but that's all the more reason to participate in the forum. I can give the support they're looking for.

I'm not married but I have found support from a girl I dated and my friends that are girls. They tend to ask about building progress more than the guys I know. The guys seem interested in running the trains but that's it. The girls were fascinated when I explained schedules and operations. Maybe I'm lucky or maybe it's just our age ground (20-30).

This has been a civil and informative thread. THANK YOU, Arnold for allowing it to continue! :-)

@A. Wells posted:

What's a "wife"?

Yes, I may have used the wrong word.  The definition of wife, "expected to serve her husband, preparing food, clothing and other personal needs", and for some here, "tormenter", does not really fit the woman I married.  She is my life partner and friend. 

While we do a lot of things together, one area that does make our relationship work is we have hobbies that we can do at the same time; I work on my layout while she enjoys reading novels based on historical events and other cultures.  Maybe that is the key.  If your significant other does not have something to do while you are playing with your trains, then they may not be happy you are unavailable.

All my wives like all my trains.

My wife has come around a little and she say's she likes the trains?????? Her biggest complaint is what to do with the trains when I die????

I tell her I will take them with Me....I'm 79 and I made a scrap book of all my trains for her to remind her of me when I'm gone. She can sit in the basement and read the book....

My wife Loves the trains ..helps that My Grandson almost 4 LOVES Trains..but she will come down and have a wine..she bought a high top wall table and stools so she can set up and get comfy..gave me the coin for my turntable and has had Input on sections of the layout and is always looking for stuff to use on it

I've had a lot of hobbies over the last 40 or so years and trains (which I started a year ago) are the first one my wife likes.  I think it's because she loves our grand children and they all want to come over and run trains with Grampa so she's happy to see them and to see them having a blast in the basement with the old codger.  She's not too happy about losing the space previously used for gatherings 3 or 4 times a year, but now we use the space weekly and we run them for hours at a time.  She recently told me to stop buying trains and she's probably right, sadly I'm in the addiction phase of this hobby, so it's gonna be hard to stop getting things on my wish list.

My wife likes my trains but we both grew up with family members who worked for the railroad.

If your wife doesn’t like the hobby just ask her why that is. Better than us knuckleheads trying to guess.

My wife seems a little less than supportive.

Scott Smith

As my more than 75 home pipe organ concerts have begun with a 30 minute layout session in our adjoining “living” room, many hundreds of guests have enjoyed the trains. I am now asked very often “do you still have your trains?’ This thread made me realize it is nearly always the women that ask that question. Go figure!

Hello Mr. Arnold!  I will do more for this hobby and re-subscribe to your wonderful publication.  A year ago I realized that I'm always just going to be a once a year around the tree guy, and with the demise of MTH...well I lost interest.  My primary past time is fishing, but as I get older cold weather is less appealing, so it brings me back to trains earlier.  I have a very nice house that I plan to always live in that has no space for a layout, but I have too many trains!  There is a 7 year old boy in the neighborhood and I'm going to give him and his Dad a train set.  An old conventional Williams Amtrak GG-1 with all the Lionel aluminum passenger cars....no one liked that Lionel E-unit switch in 1989!  I spoke with the Dad concerning if he doesn't like it a little to return it, but warned him that it could become a rabbit hole in the good way even for him.  Hopefully he doesn't shoot out my front porch lights every Halloween in years to follow!   

Fun topic.  When we moved to Vermont and were looking for a place to live, my wife would always ask the realtor if there was a clean, dry basement with the house.  She's been supportive, but not into the hobby.  Like me and Renaissance Fairs...

Jon

My wife was supportive early on but as the years went by and the habit got more expensive she got less supportive then when we built our last house and I had a layout out she mellowed out a tiny bit but was still not supportive of the cost. Now in this house she told the builder to make sure we had a big dry basement for my trains. Things have gotten better since she retired and got into sewing more. In the last five years she has spent more on sewing machines/cabinets and stuff to go with them than I have spent on trains(so far). I still kid her that she signed a prenuptial that she can be replaced but not the trains.  Unlike Chinatrain99 I wish she had only spent 20K on embroidery machines I think we have spent that much just in the last year.( she is happy doing it and I am supportive of her doing it) Thus makes my train addiction easier for her to support. But still hear about it now and then "you can't run everything you have why buy more".

Scott great pics at least your wife has a sense of humor about it. I bet you have never taken her to met Jim have you?

Trains are not the main issue, but may serve as a lightning rod in an unhappy marriage, because they are obvious.  The lesson is: Happy wife = happy life. Mark

My wife pushed me to get my old AF trains out of my parents attic for years.  So we finally did that, I opened them all up threw out what I had destroyed as a kid, and neatly packed up the rest and put them in my attic.

About twenty years ago she found a train show nearby, and said lets go check it out, the rest as they say is history.

Now if I could talk her into helping me with some layout painting and scenery...

Aflyer

RJT

I realize 20k is a lowball on just the machines.   That doesn’t include a sewing table, accessories, and miles of fabric.  It’s something I don’t want to think to hard on to be honest.   The thing is, you can buy a train, run it a couple years, sell it and get most of your money back.  A used sewing machine with all the technology is  worth about as much as a used laptop.

Much has been written about money here, and I so enjoyed my wife’s take on it. I attended train meets or shows at least monthly, and she would ask about them when I returned. I could often share that I saw something I had long been looking for.

“Did you buy it?” she would always ask.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“At the moment, I just wasn’t ready to part with the money.”

“Will you never learn,” she would respond. “By the day after tomorrow you’ll be kicking yourself around the house, and I’d rather not see it.”

I have found that balance, compromise and mutual respect go a long way in keeping my wife happy and agreeable with my interest.  I have witnessed too many situations where the hobby has become a "cancer" that slowly takes over a home.  I have seen homes filled with pipe organ parts, often not even working, with only paths to get around.  I have seen homes with trains in every room, including the bathroom.  Like Richard, I, too, have a pipe organ installed in our home.  While I have never seen his home in person, only photos, I must admit that Richard's pipe organ installation and train layout are first rate and very tastefully done.

My wife knew about my train and pipe organ interest when we first met. (Our first date was attending a theatre organ concert) When we bought our house we spent quite a bit of time planning on how we were going to use the available space.  She graciously allowed me to use a spare room for a train layout.  I told her that I would limit my trains to that room and that she could use space beneath the layout for storage of Christmas decorations and other household items.  The pipe organ is installed in a chamber that speaks into our living room.  Again, all organ parts stay in the chamber.  The only organ components in the living room are the console, roll player cabinet and player piano.  Everything else must fit in the chamber or It doesn't get installed.  She has never really balked at my spending money on trains, organ parts or woodworking equipment. 

I was often rightfully accused of having tunnel vision when it came to working on my trains, the organ or out in my wood shop.  I would often neglect her and the kids in the name of getting the project finished.  I learned to stop and smell the roses.  I have found that life is so much more relaxing and she is a lot happier.  Now we try to go on short getaways or even short walks when the weather is nice.  Having a granddaughter also changed my way of thinking.

I often tell people "My wife is a candidate for Sainthood and I have pictures to prove it!"

Tom

buy her a nice diamond ring and a Rolex and you will never have another problem

Gentlemen, so many points of view. In all honesty often when I’m in the train room I loose track of time. And, I don’t have any track laid yet, it’s all design. As so many have offered, it’s a matter of balance. In turn, my wonderful wife will accompany me to shows and she has an interest as the process moves forward. But I understand that it is important to include her, as with so many other facets of a relationship, I want to be involved in what she is doing and planning. My intent is not to have more trains than I can realistically operate. I want 90% of my equipment to be displayed/run on the layout. Too much equipment and it’s going to be too much about maintenance.

@jim911 posted:

buy her a nice diamond ring and a Rolex and you will never have another problem

Tried that.  Didn't work.  Now the very high end bicycle and sea kayak helped, as well as the Garmin Sports GPS watch.  However, what really keeps her happy is me making time to ride and kayak with her.    When we get home I play with my trains and she reads.  Works for us.

IF you want the relationship to continue, you have to do things with your partner.  If you are looking for a replacement, then lock yourself in the train room and buy more trains as they foreclose on the house.

Sounds like a job for Dr. Phil

@OGR CEO-PUBLISHER posted:

How does this topic help the hobby?  The title alone is negative and some of the responses here ... well, what can I say.  I am especially concerned about the post by "paigetrain".  Very sad indeed.  We should be concentrating on how to find ways to involve our friends and family.  Yet, I am willing to bet that this thread will receive tons of responses while others will be mostly ignored.  

As the originator of this thread I have been surprised at some of the postings. As a physician I find that people need an outlet for certain negativities in their lives. Instead of thinking of this thread as a negative experience think of it as helping certain people being given an opportunity to say (so to speak) how they feel. By expressing your inner conflicts you might begin your journey to healing them.
As I read some of the responses I was surprised, and wondered if I had started a group therapy session.
Nonetheless, let’s think of it as a positive experience for some (be their stating wonderful things about their marriage or struggles that they would like to overcome).  Again, as a doctor, I feel for some of the people posting somewhat unhappy issues. I wish that I could help them, but they are not my patients and I don’t impose myself upon others. However, I do find most of the postings to be either positive or humorous.
Alan

@CA John posted:

I will have to respectfully disagree with Alan Arnold.  I believe that a topic like this does help the hobby because we’re a family.  A family that shares the happy and the sad and supports each other in either case.  Though I do agree that the title is quite negative  

My wife supports my hobby and has surprised me with rolling stock and other gifts for the layout. Though she hasn’t attended any local train shows she enjoys traveling to attend large scale garden railroad conventions around the US in order to go on the layout tours.  

John

I really didn’t intend it to have the ring of negativity. However, what could I have expected using the word “hate” in the title. To me it was an oddity that some of our spouses  have such strong feelings about our pastime.  I was just lifting a word from some responses that I read in another topic.
For the most part, I was expecting this topic to generate humorous responses.
Alan

@jim911 posted:

buy her a nice diamond ring and a Rolex and you will never have another problem

Yes, but women have short memories for nice things done for them.  That probably counterbalances our tendency to overlook nicities to do for them. Since men don’t need to be complimented or admired as often as they do we tend to  downplay it. Men typically have a philosophy of: if I don’t need it you don’t need it.   When I do marriage counseling I find that the men usually have to pick up their game not the women.  If the marriage has challenges first ask yourself if you are giving her what she needs.
This is not intended to a fix all for all challenged marriages , but it is too often a significant player. My perspectives are based on 44 years of medical practice and 44 years of a happy marriage.
Alan

Thanks so much for your kind comments, Tom D. Having posted a pic of our “Family Room” layout last week, I thought I’d also post a couple pics of the companion mini “Concert Salon” in case a few of our fellow OGR Forum colleagues might be a tad curious over your reference. The layout is in the darkened room across the entry hall. The volume shutters above the dining area are silent and quite fast, so that I truly think of the control pedal on the console as an “expression” pedal.  Thanks as well to you, Dr. Alan, for posting this thread. I miss my wife dearly, but revel in the memories of what we shared over our train layout and performance venue. You have provided a blessed service to our OGR community. 

My wife and girlfriend both like trains.  May they never meet...

Seriously, some of the posts make me wonder why two people would stay together if there is animosity towards someone's hobby.  Indifference is one thing, animosity is another.

Marriage is all about compromise.  My wife is a Disney fanatic and I don't even want to know what's spent on collectibles over the years. I usually start to cringe this time of year as my home starts to look like an Amazon distribution center for upcoming Holiday season! However, we both work hard for our paychecks and we respect each others interests. She'll even treat me to a new boxcar or two if I behave while we're out shopping!

Rob

For me the topic is interesting. Some of this I think falls under the domain of where complaining about spouses is a kind of national pastime, buddies get together and grumble about things, comedians have made careers out of it, women get together and complain about their spouses or so's

Some of it is there are spouses who view the hobby as men acting like kids, that if ppl knew it would be mortifying ( and yes this exists, though honestly I suspect it mostly is with older generations, doubt younger spouses would see it that way.

There also could be legitimate cases, where the hobbyist is neglecting other things or not talking to the so, like spending 1500 on a new engine when the hot water heater need replacing and the budget is tight....but those would be true of any hobby. It can be an expensive hobby,obviously. Though even in that there can be bias involved, owning a boat of any size is pretty expensive, so is golfing, yet I don't think I have ever heard where a spouse complained about the expense of those in the same way as w trains, unless they truly can't afford it.

As far as the value of this thread to the hobby, I think actually this is positive in the most of the postings have been positive. Ranges from where the wife is enthusiastic to where she isn't into it but is happy he enjoys it&others can like kids or grandkids. Lot of the posts mention accommodating each others likes and negotiation and communicating,which is really healthy. It helps dispel the myth, I think the answer is very few wives hate the trains, and others dont hate the trains but the way it plays out.in their relationship, which is true of any hobby or pastime if they feel it is out of bounds.

One interesting thought, for any of the women on here who are into trains and are married or partnered, how do their SOs feel about trains?

@OddIsHeRU posted:

Thanks so much for your kind comments, Tom D. Having posted a pic of our “Family Room” layout last week, I thought I’d also post a couple pics of the companion mini “Concert Salon” in case a few of our fellow OGR Forum colleagues might be a tad curious over your reference. The layout is in the darkened room across the entry hall. The volume shutters above the dining area are silent and quite fast, so that I truly think of the control pedal on the console as an “expression” pedal.  Thanks as well to you, Dr. Alan, for posting this thread. I miss my wife dearly, but revel in the memories of what we shared over our train layout and performance venue. You have provided a blessed service to our OGR community. 

This post made my day, I love enthusiasm as much as I love music, wow. It sounds like you and your wife had something really special. Did she ever learn to play organ,specifically the opening bars of Bach's Tocatta and Fugue, to let you know you did some dastardly deed and was expressing her displeasure? *Smile*. ( The toccata and fugue has been used in horror movies and other places since they had sound in movies, look it up and I am sure you will have heard it...).

I really hate these threads and waited a while to respond;

The answer to the WHY is really quite simple. When we promised to love, honor till death; we forgot to say oh and my trains too.

So in time, we breached the contract ;knowing full well that if we added the part about the trains at the time of that pledge, we may not have had that contract.

Wives now either accept the breach and live with it ..............................or not!

I am blessed, my wife has supported my train hobby for 40 years.  She only gets bugged when they start to spill out into every room of the house.  We remodeled the house recently and we made a deal, I keep a few out and about to add color? to the decor.  The rest have to stay in our media room which is lined with train shelves.  She also tolerates that her brand new Bronco has to sit outside while my train layout sits safe and warm in the garage.  She encouraged me to go outside and play, so I did, 400 ft of G Scale out back.

I find a balance is good, since our remodel, she has been a very happy camper.  My wife drags me around the world traveling, exposing me to new things, people and places.  She even looks for train excursions for us to take together and helped send me to run a 100 year old steam engine and RS-3.  What a catch!  I'm never letting her go.

Chris S.

I think that the solution to most of the ills stated above would be to have unlimited time, space  and money.  
Fortunately, most of the postings are either positive or humorous.
Capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings.  So we all don’t have unlimited assets.

On the other side of the coin I remember a lady that I never met but respected and agreed with here on the forum.  I remember her writing "my ex hated my trains".  She passed on some years ago but I still miss her, Lisa Marie Tahtaras.   ODD-D

I am also blessed......I was a train guy before my wife and I started dating 40 years ago and she has always accepted my hobby.......she always saw it as a way to release the tensions from my workday which involved many of my patients having poor outcomes despite my best efforts ( for those of you who don’t know, I recently retired after practicing Nephrology after 38 years). When we had a young family, the hobby did not interfere with family time, because it could be enjoyed in literally 15-30 minute segments, rather than 8 hours on a golf course.....

To top it off, when I retired, it was my wife who suggested we finish off the attic into a new train room (which cost more than our 1st house house).......I am very lucky, indeed!

However, I can see a wife’s point of view.......when we were paying a mortgage, kids’ college tuitions, saving for retirement and buying a minivan, I wasn’t buying $2000 locomotives. Herein lies the challenge.........you have to live within your means at your time and stage in life. I suspect a lot of the conflict and resentment occurs when that is misaligned.

Peter

My wife doesn't "hate" my trains she's just not particularly interested in them. She has never complained about my purchases and I appreciate that. She has said she'd prefer me not using more space for my layout than I already have.😁

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away my first wife (I don't call her my ex, I call her my Why) had an attitude that can only be described as restrained disdain for my train hobby.

My lovely bride who I met later in life fully supports and enjoys our hobby. I call it our hobby now because she has her own train (the pretty red tinplate one) and enjoys going to train related activity with me - whether it is train shows, train rides or railfanning with my camera. One of our first dates she she helped me set up and sell at a local train show.

I proposed to her at our local train station (Wickford Junction) in a blinding snowstorm.

This picture was just two weeks ago right after WE finished assembling the Mianne Benchwork for the new layout. I am blessed to have this support and encouragement. Sorry for the crappy cell phone image but it sums up nicely what I am trying to share.

Paul

I mentioned earlier that my wife is indifferent to my trains.  But she does have a good sense of humor about it.

I count myself as one of the luckiest guys around...my wife, of 56 years yesterday (November 20, 1965), has always encouraged my hobbies...trains, woodworking, crafts...

Howard...

Good morning, I will join the majority that my wife enjoys our trains and helping on the layout we have here in our home.

My wife says she would rather hear me say I am going down to work on the layout or run some trains than I am going to the bar see you later !!!!!!

Good thread, the most interesting part of it to me is the homes with the pipe organs

I am also one of the lucky ones. My wife has shared my interest in O gauge since the beginning. She goes to all the shows with me including two day stints at York. She has been my “ best buddy” through the building of our first layout, helping with the whole construction of the Mianne benchwork, cutting the plywood bench top, input on the track layout, picking out buildings for the layout. Goes with me regularly to the hobby shop and is an integral part of locomotive and rolling stock purchases. She will be a big part of the scenery work when we get to that point. I am very grateful to have such a terrific partner in my O gauge journey- could not ask for better.

@Transman posted:

Good thread, the most interesting part of it to me is the homes with the pipe organs

I thought the same thing. I didn't know this was a thing. It also surprises me because I imagine pipe organs as very large instruments.

@BillYo414 posted:

I thought the same thing. I didn't know this was a thing. It also surprises me because I imagine pipe organs as very large instruments.

It is all relative.  A large cathedral needs a large pipe organ to achieve the proper carrying power.  A home installation does not need that much power so they can be designed to be much smaller.  Our pipes fit into a 10' x 17' room.  Not much different than having a room dedicated to trains.  I have been told by one of my friends " What a waste of a good train room".   

Tom

@Tom Densel posted:

" What a waste of a good train room".   

Tom

Maybe it's just because I play a guitar and love music but no way! Using a room for any music is a good use of a room.

It makes sense that a cathedral would need a monumental pipe organ where your house might need something smaller. I never thought about it.

Funny story..............about 3 years ago, my wife and I were watching HGTV.....HouseHunters, Atlanta. A young couple was looking to buy a house in the northern Atlanta suburbs...... the husband says to the Realtor: "remember, I need to 2-3 acres for my hobby". "Yes", she said, "and what might that be?" He answers: "I collect old school buses."

My wife and I looked at each other and with a grin and she said: "you know, dear, the trains are fine!"

Peter